When You Need a Map

Lost.
Ever felt lost? Yeah, I just heard you sigh with the realization that you have felt like that before. That you feel like that right now.

Webster defines lost in an interesting way...
not knowing where you are
no longer held, owned, or possessed.

When you're lost, you lose focus. You aren't concerned with where you are going because you have no idea where you are. You can't determine a path without knowing your current location. So being lost is dangerous.
You're stuck. You're confused. You're scared. You're vulnerable.

My current state of lost has been debilitating. Because I've been so caught up in my own situation, I've been entirely selfish. So it's time I find where I am. It's time to rediscover who I am. My feeling of lost has been caused by both intentional and unintentional attack against who I thought I was. These attacks have left me hurt, stuck, and entirely vulnerable to Satan. The attacks I feel aren't necessarily from the people. These attacks are from Satan and I have allowed them to penetrate my thoughts and heart. This has caused me to question who I am, what I believe, who I thought I am, and who I am becoming. Though I'm not, I've felt alone. I no longer feel held, owned, or possesed. I no longer know where I am. I've been the textbook definition of lost. But this is not acceptable any longer. But where to go from here? I can't figure out where to go without first figuring out where I am. Without first figuring out who I am.

I am not a mistake. |Ephesians 2:10| 

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works,
which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

I don't always know what's going on. I don't always see my purpose or my place. Sometimes I wonder, "Why am I here, God? Why do you have me here right now?" And honestly, I don't always know. Sometimes my purpose is clear, but when things get rocky, I lose sight of that. But I can rest assured that I am not a mistake. I am here for a reason. There is something to be done. In all circumstances, I must glorify Christ. That is my purpose above all else. And God specifically made me with gifts, talents, and abilities to do that very thing. He knit me together perfectly. He made no mistake. I am intentionally made. Like a artist loves his painting, God finds me without blemish and His prized creation.

I am not forgotten. |Philippians 1:6|

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you
will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

You know the feeling well, I am sure of this. The feeling of being forgotten. The feeling of being alone. But God never abandons His children. If you have given your heart to Him, He will NEVER leave your side. If you are alive, He is still working in your life. And even though I forgot this truth, He did not give up. This thought brings me to tears every single time. He is not finished with me yet. And He's not finished with you either. It doesn't matter what you've done or what you believe of yourself, He is a relentless love, continually in pursuit of your heart. You are never ever forgotten by God.

I am not alone. |John 15:15|

No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing;
but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.

God is so big, He is King of all. Yet He is so personal, He is my friend. I can't even imagine this. It is something I have yet to comprehend completely because those two qualities don't naturally go together. He knows all, rules all, and controls all, yet He so passionately loves me, that He wants for me to call Him friend. He wants me to know His heart completely. He wants to talk with me. He wants to give me wisdom. He just wants time with me. He is my friend, and I am never alone. 

I am weak, but that's okay. |2 Corinthians 12:9-10|

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  

These verses have got me through some of the hardest times in my life. God so uniquely reminds us that it is okay to not always be okay. In Isaiah 53:3, we are reminded that Jesus is a "man of sorrows, much acquainted with grief." He lived with pain and suffering every single day. He gets it. He knows how hard things can get, and because He overcame all sin and death, we can trust Him to do the same for us (John 16:33). Through the cross, Jesus proved Himself entirely capable to fight for us. When we are at our weakest, God is able to shine through us the brightest because it is so clearly seen that it is by His strength alone that we push on. When I am beaten down, God shows up in a big way. He is my strength and refuge (Psalm 46:1), and by His strength alone will I endure. I don't have to rely on myself anymore. It's okay to not always have it all together. He does. 

I am valuable. |1 Corinthians 6:20|

for you were bought with a price.

In the eyes of God, I am worthy. He sent His one and only Son--His most prized possession--for me. He paid the ultimate cost, which is death, for me. God gave Jesus for me. Jesus suffered for me. And now He waits for me. Why on earth would I continue to seek my value in the words of anyone else but God? When I compare what God did for me to what others do for me, I realize to whom I belong. I am paid for and my debt of sin is clear. I mean everything to God. He loves when I don't and He forgives when I don't, because to Him, the extra work is worth it...because I am worth it. And you are too.

I am protected. |Romans 8:31-39| 

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
    we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 These verses speak for themselves. When I feel attacked, I must remember that God will fight for me. I must remember that no matter what I endure or what hurts me, nothing is comparable to the joy I will find in heaven with God (Romans 8:18). In God, I don't just have to make it. I am a conqueror in Christ. Because He will eventually triumph over all evil, I will too. Nothing I do and nothing anyone else does will separate me from God. So it doesn't matter what people say about me, all that matters is what God says about me, because their words don't change His opinion of me. To Him, I am lovely and I am His. He will protect my heart if I just let Him have it.

I am forgiven. |Isaiah 53:5|

But he was pierced for our transgressions;
    he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
    and with his wounds we are healed.

When people point out my flaws, my weaknesses, my insufficiency, or even make up ones to get me down, I must remember I am forgiven. When I forget what Jesus did for me on the cross--how He took the beatings, mocking, hatred, pain, and unimaginable death--I am saying it wasn't good enough. I am saying to God, "it's cool and all that you sent your one and only Son for me, but that wasn't enough. His death was for nothing because it just doesn't cover this sin, God. I'm glad He did it, but You are not enough for me." Do you honestly believe that today? Do I believe that? The last month of my life shows that I have, but I refuse to believe it anymore. When Christ died on the cross, He died for everyone and every sin. Mine included. When I forget what Christ did for me, I forget who I am. I forget who I am, because I forget who He is. And He is mighty, powerful, just, and King. He calls Himself the great I AM. The ruler of all. So high and grand that He rules the universe, yet so intimate that He knows my heart.

When I question who I am, I must remember who I AM is. The contents of this blog would never be enough to explain the great I AM, let alone what He thinks of me. But this is my reminder. This is my map. And I hope you find one too. My word is "lovely." When I meet Jesus one day, I so desperately want Him to call me "lovely." Maybe in another post, I'll explain exactly what lovely means to me, but what about you? What do you want Jesus to call you? What does Jesus call you now? God no longer looks at my faults, my sins, or my baggage. He is fully aware I have it and He is constantly refining me to be more like His Son, but when God looks at me, I am confident that despite how I feel that day, I am lovely to Him. This word is my reminder. I hope you find your own.

I am not lost; I am lovely.

Lots of New Things

So, I'm not even sure where to begin...
I started school. My last semester of classes for undergraduate work.
Vertical Access is back!
My job has changed quite a bit.
Oh, and I'm engaged.

Yep, I'm back in the saddle again. School has begun and there's nothing I can do to stop it now. I'm not even currently sure what to think about my new semester. It's looks deceivingly easy compared to my past semesters. Now don't misunderstand. It will still be tough, mostly because of my other obligations. But it doesn't look impossible. I do, however, always always always get overwhelmed at the beginning. I look at my syllabus and freak out. I hate seeing every single assignment layed out before me. I'm an overdoer, so naturally I want to do it all at once. I would live so much better if only my teachers would give me one thing at a time to work on. But they don't do that. So I will learn to cope yet again.

Vertical Access is finally back! I'm so incredibly excited for this next year. For you who don't know, Vertical Access is the college ministry of High Street Baptist Church. We reach out to college students--mainly focusing on Missouri State, Drury, Evangel, Baptist Bible College, and OTC. We meet Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings, as well as special events and get-togethers. We have totally revamped Vertical Access this past year and we are praying that we followed Jesus in these efforts. Our goal as a community is to "magnify the glory of God by providing an environment for Christians to thrive spiritually and engaging people who aren't Christians with the gospel." I truly believe we are closer to this purpose than ever before. If you want to learn more about Vertical Access or High Street, check us out or just ask me! You can always comment below!
https://www.facebook.com/va.hsbc
www.highstreet.org

So I'm still at South Haven, but my role is constantly changing here. Originally, I wasn't going to work here this semester, but I love it too much and my boss is too great. But because of my schedule and restrictions due to VA, I am playing a much different part. My main focus until next February is Upward Basketball and Cheerleading. I will be heading this up single-handedly but I'm ready. This is something I know I can manage and it will be good. Last semester it was a tad chaotic because three people were trying to make it work, and then add in some volunteers and no one had a clue who did what when. Now, it is my task to get things done, organize, and deligate tasks so that we know exactly who is doing what when.
The hardest part about this semester is backing off of our neighborhood program because of Vertical Access. I know where my heart lies and where I am called, but I want so badly to be Super Girl and do it all. I have so many relationships with this middle schoolers and I hate that now I have to leave early every week in order to be at VA and preform my president duties. I know it's the right thing, but leaving will always be tough. Which again reminds me that I will leave this job in February and have to move on. I know it's what has to happen, but it won't be an easy time at all.

And finally, the most shocking news of all... I'm engaged! I'm engaged to the most incredible, Godly man I can imagine. I'm sure you hear this from many girls, but Taylor is the guy that I convinced myself I would never find. I saw relationships like my pastor's and his wife's marriage and saw it's beauty and value, but thought it was only for a select few... and that didn't include me. Luckly, Jesus saw fit to give me a man that draws me closer to Christ before himself. That challenges me in the best ways. And to quote Paul, often becomes the "thorn in my side" when I begin to fall away. He leads me spiritually and protects me physically and emotionally. And now he is going to be mine til death do we part!

Taylor and I actually have a wedding website where you can view pictures, read our stories, and find out all sorts of things! It's actually pretty fun to look at. I'm constantly changing and updating it because it's not totally done, but please check it out!
www.theknot.com/wedding/Taylor-and-Krysta

Time Really Isn't On Your Side. It's His.

"Time is what we want most, but what we use worst." -William Penn

"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save."       -Yale Richmond

"Those who make the worst of their time most complain about its shortness." – La Bruyere

"Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is."  -Ephesians 5:15-17


Time. We all want more. We all waste it.
I know, because I have been lately.

And I worry about it so much! It's not like it will slow down or speed up just from my thoughts.
"And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" (Matthew 6:27)

Lately I've been caught in the worry of my last year of college. I worry that I may push myself too far. Spread myself too thin. Try to do too much.

But then again....

I think about all the time I waste. I think about the moments I'm laying around on my phone or watching a silly TV show. I think about the moments I'm staying up late doing basically nothing, then complain about how tired I am. I complain about my busyiness, all the while spending my time idiotically.

God knows our limits. He gave us 24-hour days for a reason. He knows we are only capable of so much each hour, each day, each week. He knows my capabilites and calls me to live within them. We can only do so much. But then He warns us about how we should spend our time.

You won't find anywhere in the Bible which tells me to lay around and spend my time selfishly. Yes, we are to take time for God above all else, which can mean a relaxing afternoon spent reading His word--but that isn't selfish. Selfish is my zombie hours in which I spend watching "Say Yes to the Dress," without thinking an intellegent thought or doing a productive activity. These things do not relax me. They are a false sense of comfort in which I can so easily trust in.

Jesus says, "Come to me and I will give you true rest" (Matt 11:28-30). He knows I am most filled in Him. He knows only He can comfort my weary bones and restore my tired heart. Jesus understands the burden of our busy lives. He never intended for us to get bogged down in the crap we put ourselves through, but He offers restoration anyway.

I am so challenged to use my time for wisely.

God calls me to spend my time loving others. Not myself.
God calls me to spend my time serving others. Not serve my selfish desires.
God calls me to spend my time telling the world about Him. Not stay in my comfortable bubble.
God calls me to spend my time becoming more like Jesus every single day. Not to worship myself.
God calls me to spend my time glorifying His Name. Not to make much of myself.

Now when I get worried about time, I have to take a step back and look about how I'm spending it. More than likely, it's not more time I need...I need more Jesus.

My Life Could Be a Waste

Is my life a waste?

What am I doing?

Where do I fit in?

Could it all be for nothing?

What is my pupose?

Have you ever had these thoughts? Have you ever sat down and really thought about where you are putting your time and energy? Where your heart lies?

Have you ever thought about what people would say at your funeral? What you will be remembered for?

Well, I have.

And I've come to one realization. That if one truth in my life is wrong, my life is a joke. My life is wasted. And that's exactly how I want it.

I want my life so centered on the life of Christ, that if Jesus turns out to be just a myth, my life was wasted. Now with this thought, I have a long ways to go. I still have a lot I need to surrender to Jesus and a lot more I can do for Him while I'm here, but I'm willing to accept that challenge. I would rather have a life some would say is wasted on Jesus, than a life which no one will remember 10 years after I'm gone. Here's how I see it...

My grandparents are two of my best friends. But the amount I know about my grandparent's life is not as much as I would like. And the amount I know about my great-grandparents is even less. I don't know if they were champion athletes, great friends, amazing cooks, beautiful dancers, brillant writers, or just quiet folk who stayed at home. I have no idea. Things like that fade away quickly. People forget. People move on with their own lives and forget to talk about you.

"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God." (Isaiah 40:28)

Everlasting God.

We are temporary. We are here for just awhile and then gone (James 4:14). And in the midst of the great big world and the 7 billion other people on this planet, the chances of anyone remembering me past my grandkids is slim. That's sort of depressing, isn't it? You can see how it can be so easy for our lives to feel like a waste? But don't forget...

Everlasting God.

So how do we make our lives not be a waste? We live for Him and Him alone. And though no one will remember my name, I can leave a legacy in my family that was started well before me. I can leave a legacy of loving and serving the Lord. Decades down the road in my lineage, my family could still be believing in Jesus because of the love my grandkids had, the love my children had, the love I had, the love my parents had, the love my grandparents had, great-grandparents and so on. That thought alone makes me want to cry and thank God for the opportunity. But then add to it the people we can love outside our family. The people we can tell about Jesus and show His love in a tangible way to. Those people could start a legacy in their families as well, all because you lived a life for God!

So my life is a waste, uh? The majority of my time and energy goes into serving. I spend my time loving kids, creating devotions, hanging out with "the least of these," leading or participating in Bible studies, being in leadership in ministries, and studying to create a life which helps others. Now make no mistake, I don't say those things to boast in my abilities. In my mind, I'm actually missing the mark and I could do so much more. I say these things to show you and remind myself that if this "Jesus thing" is fake, if it turns out to be a big joke, my life is a total and complete waste of time. Everything I do and put my time into would be for nothing. I'm banking my entire life and the future of my family to come that God came down in the form of man, died on a cross for my sins, and is now very much alive.

When I die, no one will remember me. But I hope everyone who thinks of me, immediately thinks of Christ. And if that happens, my life is not a waste.

Jesus, A Whore, and Me

Besides the Gospel of the cross, if I had to pick one single story from the Bible to only read the rest of my life, this story would be a top contender. This is a story of love, of grace, of mercy, of truth, of forgiveness, of sacrifice, of hypocrisy, of sin, of life, of me, and most importantly, of Jesus.

The Adulteress Woman -- or for us today, the whore.

So there's a crowd. A big crowd of people and among them is Jesus. That's no coincidence He's there.
Because a group of scribes and Pharisee (aka. the uber religious folks of the time who love their rules and self-righteousness) enter the scene. Dragging a woman. Dragging a whore.

So this sounds harsh, right? To call her a whore. But she is an adulterer. Is that a better term? She slept with a married man. She's a cheater. A home wrecker. The other woman. Who reading this thinks cheating is okay? Who wants to be cheated on? Exactly. This isn't exactly the town's saint. She isn't their best friend right now.

Side note here: How would you feel being this woman? We all have sin. We all have secrets. This woman was caught in hers. And not only was she caught, she was being dragged like a dead animal in front of a large crowd with her sin practically stamped on her forehead. What if your sin was exposed in this sort of way? What if your darkest secret was revealed publicly? Just a thought.

But here are these religious guys who are literally dragging this woman to the crowd to humiliate her and give her punishment for her crime. For in this day, adultery is punishable by stoning. Stoning isn't a quick punishment. It hurts. And hurts for a long time. These men, by law, have the right to throw rocks at this woman in public until she dies. If that's by bleeding out, a head wound, or internal trauma, it doesn't matter. They keep going until she's dead.

There's still an ulterior motive going on here. They don't bring her to the crowd and just start throwing rocks like they could of. They ask Jesus a question. "The Law commands we stone such a woman. So what do you say?"

"So what do you say?"

They are trying to trap Jesus in His own words. Jesus basically has two obvious choices here. He can say stone her or He can say not to. He can either be the bad guy who wouldn't be seen as loving and living what He preaches, or He can disobey the law. Either way, He seems pretty screwed, right? The Pharisees thought so too. They thought they caught Him. They thought they had Him backed in a corner.

Good thing our God is bigger and way smarter.

Jesus answers them, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone."

Gotcha.

And one by one, oldest to youngest, the stones are dropped. The men, ashamed, walk away. These are the religious men, and they were caught in their own trap set for Jesus. Instead of exposing the sin of this woman, their sin was exposed as well. But it doesn't end here.

"Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"
"No one, Lord"
"Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more."

I'm one of those people who thinks Jesus smiled and did that a lot. And when I picture Him saying, "Where are your accusers?" He's got to be smiling or at least smirking. Because what comes next is life-changing.

"Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more."

Don't forget her crime. She's a whore. She probably ruined a marriage. Maybe many. And Jesus doesn't condemn her. That doesn't make what she did okay. Not at all. If He had simply forgiven her and left it at that, someone may assume that. Someone may assume that Jesus let's these things go. But He goes on to say, "Go and sin no more."

God doesn't love our sin. God hates sin. He hates sin so much that He knew something had to be done because us trying to fulfill the Law on our own just wasn't working. Us trying to meet this holy standard wasn't quite doing it. But Jesus can. God doesn't love us just the way we are. Because we are sin. God loves us IN SPITE of who we are. The world labeled this woman as a whore. God hated the sin in this woman. But oh, if you don't see the love He has for her in this story, you missed the point. Jesus spared her from death. He saved her. And later in this beautiful story, He saves me, too.

From the Pharisees. In public. When I should have been the one dragged out, He was. When I should have been the one humiliated by my sin, He was. When I should have been the one beaten, He was. When I should have been the one punished with death, He was. When I should have been condemned, He was.

So at the end of the day, me and that whore have a whole lot in common.


**this devotion had a lot of help from the awesome Chris Kuykendall's sermon at Camp Hope this weekend**

Stuck in My Head

Today, I cannot stop singing. And I cannot stop listening to one song. Don't you hate when that happens??
Today I don't hate it at all. And I want to share it with you.

In case you can't watch the video, I'll put the lyrics down below.
I'm currently doing a devotion with Taylor all summer on the book of Isaiah, and man, does Isaiah know how to expose sin. I mean, he is a prophet and that's normally what they are good at, but he seems to be exceptionally good at displaying the Righteous Judge in His full glory. But with this judgement and wrath, comes the promise of hope. The promise that this sin will not overtake those who have genuine faith. The promise that He will return and make new His creation. The promise that He never fails.

******************************************************
City Harmonic - Holy (Wedding Day)

This is the story of Son of God hanging on the cross for me.
But it ends with a bride and groom and a wedding by a glassy sea.
Oh death, where is your sting?
Cause I'll be there singing, "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord."

This is the story of a bride in white waiting on her wedding day.
Anticipation welling up inside while the groom is crowned as King.
Oh death, where is your sting?
Cause we'll be there singing, "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord."

Holy, holy. Holy, holy. Holy, holy is the Lord Almightly.
Who was, and is, and is to come.

This is the story of Son of God hanging on the cross for me.
And it ends with a bride and groom and a wedding by a glassy sea.
This is the story of a bride in white singing on her wedding day
of the God who was, and is, and stand before a bride who sings,
"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty."

Good Food, Good Time

I love food. I workout to eat more. And I love eating as healthy as possible. It just tastes better and you feel better. Now, my most recently cooked meal was not the healthiest I've ever cooked by any means, but as a Chinese food substitute, it is way healthier than Hong Kong Inn. Not only was the food awesome though, but who I shared it with was even better. It was Taylor's last night in town for a week. Then he's back for one week and then gone again for 7. I hate distance. I suck at distance. But this is something I'm willing to fight for and give my fears to Jesus about. I mean, this could be an incredible opportunity for Taylor and I to truly rest in the presence and comfort of Christ alone.

Now for this food. It was a sort of quick decision to make a meal at home than to go out for our last little evening together. I love to cook and he loves to help so it only made sense to us to do it this way. Plus, everytime we cook it is always so good. We came up with the idea to make our own Chinese (and of course I had to add in vegetables!). I found a version of sweet & sour chicken online and we went to town on it. I got the recipe from Made It, Ate It, Loved It, but here it is!

CHICKEN:
3-5 chicken breasts (we used 6-7 tenderloins cause it's what we had and it still tasted great!)
salt and pepper (or anything else)
cornstarch to coat
2 eggs, beaten
canola oil

Rinse chicken, trim fats, and cut into 1-inch cubes. Season with salt and pepper. Dip each piece into the cornstarch, then into the egg. Heat oil in a large skillet and place the chicken in the skillet (duh!). Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Finish cooking your chicken until browned. Then place the chicken in a baking dish and coat with the sauce.....

SAUCE:
3/4 cup sugar (we used white but I've heard brown works too)
4 tablespoons ketchup
1/2 cup white distilled vinegar
1 tablespoon soy sauce
1 teaspoon garlic salt (or more if you're me!)

Whisk everything until smooth. Pour evenly over the chicken in the baking dish. Turn chicken to coat and pop it in the oven for 30 minutes. Stir it half way through!!

Finally, eat it up!!

We enjoyed the chicken with brown rice and sauteed vegetables (zuchinni, mushrooms, onions, and green pepper) on the porch that evening. It was perfect with my green tea. It was perfect outside. It was perfect with him.
Afterwards we enjoyed a walk around downtown and one of our infamous trips to Walmart. Even Walmart shopping is fun with Taylor. Oh, and we got shaved ice. Because we get shaved ice just about every time we are together. It's just too good.

More later. Maybe tomorrow!