So I've been keeping a rather interesting journal lately (but more on that another day). Here is an honest, raw, and humble entry I wrote yesterday. I pray you find comfort, peace, or strength in it somehow.
"For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:10).
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Dear God,
Thank You for this season of my life. It's definitely not easy, but it has been an incredible growing opportunity that I know You are using. Thank You for helping me move on, but Father, I need some help truly forgiving myself. I need help finding my identity in You and You alone. I keep seeking approval from everyone around me. I want them to validate my choices and to support my decisions, but I'm letting their opinions have far too much weight. God, help me find the balance between keeping my reputation and testimony with those in my life and putting my future in their hands. Give me the courage to live my life with only Your opinion, plan, and will as my guide and standard. Give me the Holy Spirit to decipher Your words and will in my life.
Thank You, Father, for never giving up on me when I confuse Your will. Thank You that my future is not limited to what I have been. I'm struggling to see how I will ever be known as someone different than "the girl who was engaged." God, I know You call me "lovely, daughter, forgiven, blessed, conqueror, beloved..." but it's difficult for me to hear them with the voice in my head calling me, "liar, guilty, embarrassment, naive, immature, shameful..." There's a disconnect between what I know and what I believe. Please help Your words plant themselves in my heart. I can't move on fully without Your help.
Father, help those around me move on as well. To me, this seems like I'm requesting a miracle, but I'm going to ask it from You anyway. I know my actions have caused a lot of pain for many people, but please give them comfort, reassurance, and strength. Please forgive me for causing this to people. Please forgive me for the confusion my actions have caused for those around me, but please begin to reveal Your plan...even if in small ways. God, I know I cannot wait for everyone to approve of me, but I'm asking for Your protection as I navigate this journey with You. Give me patience to wait on Your will, but also allow Your will to be seen by those around me so they know it is of You. Let me be a light to those around me. Let them see the work You're doing and have been doing in my heart. Holy Spirit, speak and act through me, because my efforts will fail, but Yours will not. God, if you allow it, give me opportunities to share my story with other people. Allow my mistakes, struggles, and sins to make an impact for Your Kingdom. "When I am weak, you are strong." I want this to be a cry of my heart. I want a burden to make a change against the hurt in this world. If I can ease the aches of one girl through my broken engagement or past relationships, God, I will praise you for every tear I shed. Thank You for being my comfort and making my pain have purpose, but I pray for the young girls who do not know the love and security offered by You. Guide me to how I should help them. God, show yourself to them in big ways so they will realize that no relationship or guy can fill the holes in our hearts that was created for You.
Father, continue to shape me into Your daughter. Whatever it takes, form me into the lovely woman I long to become. I know the adventure to this is long and full of battles to overcome, but God, I know it's already won with You. Thank You that I'm already lovely in Your eyes and that I am given the freedom to be what I already am. Help me believe this truth. Help me "live according to my calling." Help me live lovely, because You already say I am, and help me live a life of agape.
Your sinful, but forgiven, daughter,
Krysta
